Mar 21, 2013 11:30pm PDT
, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest paola antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. i'll ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] it's chuck hagel's first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] if you watch this program, and i certainly hope that you do, you know that if nothing else i'm a company man. and i could not be prouder that this show is a profitmaking tsunami for my parent company viacom. [laughter] make no mistake, i am the reason ceo philippe daumann can afford hi
Mar 19, 2013 11:30pm PDT
was a speechwriter for john kerry in his 2004 campaign. >> stephen: obama stole you. >> he didn't steal me. the campaign ended in 2004. john kerry did not win. >> stephen: what? >> spoiler alert. >> stephen: then you started working for the president? >> i did. >> stephen: were you involved in the 2004 speech he did atñr e convention? you wrote a lot of his speeches after that. >> i did. >> stephen: that's kind of heart breaking because not only does the guy use a prompter he is not writing the words in the prompter. please, please tell me he at least flies air force one. >> he does not. but he writes a lot of his own speeches. we worked together. it's a collaborative process. >> stephen: kind of, guys like you, you and the president same level. [ laughter ] now, what is the process like? do you say mr. president, i have things that i think would be go to say or does he say you know what i'm thinking teachersers ae good and hope is good and let's make things better, socialize medicine put some lipstick on the pig. what is the process? >> sit down with him he speaks what is on his mind for
Mar 20, 2013 11:30pm PDT
] it reminds me of john f. kennedy's famous speech about putting a man on the moon, "we choose to go the moon not because it is easy-- but come on, it's got to be easy, right? let's just do it already. just strap a rocket to some guy's back. jeesh!" [laughter] [cheers and applause] be warned folks. this 501-day round-trip flyby is not for the faint of heart because there will be no showers, limits on toilet paper and clothing, drinking water made from the crew members' recycled urine and sweat and almost no privacy. in other words, basically a carnival cruise. [laughter] [cheers and applause] still -- still. being the first human to orbit the red planet is a memory you'll never forget, that is, until the radiation from the sun accelerates the onset of alzheimer's disease. [laughter] which explains neil armstrong's famous words, "that's one small step for man-- that's one small step for man." [laughter] fortunately, there is a plan to deal with the harmful radiation-- the astronauts will use a poop shield to block cosmic rays, where human waste could be stored in bags used to line the capsule.